One Step Forward... How Many Steps Back?

Throughout life we hear people say how they took one step forward and "x" steps back.  I'm sure at times in my life I've felt this way wholeheartedly.  I should feel that way right now, but I don't.

Yes, my last blog was all positive and upbeat talking about the strides I've been taking with my life.  I'm not expecting this to be full of doom and gloom, but it may not be all that positive either.

I truly believe things happen for a reason, and that people come into our lives for a reason.  We may  not be able to see that reason immediately - or possibly ever - but there is a reason.  

Nearly five years ago my dad died suddenly of a heart attack.  To look at him you would have considered him a healthy man, and I'm sure for the most part he was.  However, genetics can play a role in these types of things and there is a history of heart problems in the family (his father died suddenly of a heart attack as well).  Dad's death was a wake-up call for me in many ways, although at the time I may not have realized it.  When he died I felt an void inside me where my heart should be.  I was empty and hurting, and alone.  I could no longer call my dad when I needed advice.  I still miss him to this day, and right now I miss him a whole lot more than I did even a week ago.  I know he's here with me, supporting me and my decisions, but right now being able to hear his voice would mean the world to me.

For most of my adult life I've had trust issues when it comes to men.  This stems from my relationship with my ex-husband.  For many years I refused to let anyone in, and if they managed to get in even a little I still didn't fully trust them.  That began to change a couple years ago when I met a gentle soul who has become one of my living angels.  He unknowingly helped me begin to form that bond of trust with the opposite sex again.  Last year I took a huge leap of faith in letting that wall down when I started "seriously" dating someone.  For the first time in probably forever I believed it when a man told me I was beautiful, sexy and desirable.  Then when he told me he didn't want a relationship with me, just to be friends, that wall started going back up.  I couldn't understand how a man could tell me these things and then turn around and basically say he wasn't interested.  The wheels started turning, and as I do so well I began to over-think things.

Yesterday was a very rough day for me.  I was given some news that left me speechless.  I suddenly had that void again.  The one I'd had when Dad died.  I also felt rejection, again.  It was like everything I had been working towards and dreaming of had just been snatched out from under me, and I was falling down an abyss.  While talking with Mom about the events of the afternoon/evening a realization hit me... this man who had made me feel this void was was the first and only man other than my father who I trusted without question.  And today I still trust him the same way.  I won't go into details as to what happened.  It's not something that needs to be put on a public blog.  I will say that yesterday I questioned how strong a person I am, among many other things.  Last night I didn't feel strong at all.  I felt like a small child, lost and alone and in need of help.  Then, I looked into his eyes and realized he possibly felt worse than I did.  Something clicked.

I feel calm.  I would not say I'm totally at peace, nor will I lie and say there won't be further tears.  I know there will be tears.  Both his and mine.  I'm realizing I am strong.  Perhaps not as strong as others envision me, but stronger than I thought.  A mere 4-5 months ago what happened yesterday would have destroyed me to the point of self-harm.  I feel none of that now.  I know I can make it through this, and be the friend I need to be to him while we muck through this storm.

So to answer the question in my title, "How many steps back?"  None.  I may not have moved a step forward, but I'm also not allowing myself to go back.

Life

Sometimes life throws us a curveball.  I am certainly not where I expected to be at this point in my life.  Many moons ago when I was a mere young’un of 18 I made a promise to myself:  By the age of 28 I’d be happily married, in a stable career and have at least one child.  On my 28^th birthday I was divorced, working a job that I had no idea would lead to a career and had no children.  I was however, living in one of the busiest cities in the US.  Overall I was happy, although it was a stark punch of reality to know I hadn’t succeeded in attaining my goals.

Due to my early dating/relationship experiences I went many years without dating, or even attempting to date.  I knew that I had to get myself in a place where emotionally and mentally I could share myself with another.  It wasn’t until last year, after I turned 40 that I allowed my best friend to cajole me into attempting to date.  I joined an online dating service.  It was a rough start.  Lots of messages from men that were immediately deleted due to their content, and a couple of dates with a couple different guys.  I was feeling a bit underwhelmed and considered tossing in the towel.  Then another friend suggested a different site.  I signed up and gave it a try.  I met someone fairly quickly, and things went well for awhile.  Then he dropped the bomb on me that he really didn’t see us in a relationship.  It was heartbreaking, and it put me back in that position of questioning whether or not I should be dating.  So, I took a deep breath and tried again.

Just after the beginning of this year I started talking to another guy from the same site.  We went out on several dates, but agreed from the beginning it would be more of a “friends” situation since he wasn’t really ready to settle down.  (He was coming from a bad marriage.)  I figured I would keep looking to see if anyone caught my eye.  I wasn’t really serious about it, just curious.

Then I happened across a really quirky and funny profile.  I took a chance and sent a message.  I didn’t hear anything for several days and figured he’d decided we weren’t a good enough match.  But then I did hear from him, and we found that we do have a lot in common.  We’ve been on a number of dates, and have a good time when we’re together.  We have an amazing connection with one another.  It’s like we’ve known one another forever.

I did not expect any of this at this point in my life.  In just the past few weeks I have felt myself grow stronger as a person, and I feel as if I’ve blossomed further.  I seriously considered changing jobs within the insurance industry, but realized the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere.  I’ve been in the insurance biz for 13 years now.  That’s pretty impressive.  Plus, I have a boss who respects me and needs me to help him run his office.  I know my worth now, and I don’t question it.  I have no idea where the future will lead me, but I am confident that I can go forward with my head held high.