What A Month

It’s strange how in the blink of an eye our lives can change for better or for worse.  Sometimes when the change happens we don’t know which it is, other times it is glaringly clear.  A month ago yesterday my life changed drastically.  I’m still not sure why, or the reason.  I know many of those who are closest to me say it was for the best, but deep down inside I can’t bring myself to believe it.

A month ago today was the last time I saw someone very dear to me.  I’m beginning to think it may have truly been the last time ever.  That hurts more than the fact that he chose not to have a relationship with me.  We had a bond that doesn’t happen often, and even more rarely as quickly as it did, so to have him almost totally out of my life is leaving a huge void within me.  I remember the morning very clearly.  There were a lot of tears from us both.  He was hugging me and telling me he had to go to work, but he wouldn’t let go.  I can still see the pain in his eyes.  That’s my final memory.  Not exactly a happy one.  Over the past month I’ve tried to be patient.  I’ve stepped back several times.  Yes, I’ve been very upset at times and let my anger fly.  That is expected.  My real issue now is that I need a form of personal closure, and I am not able to achieve that without discussing a few things with him.  He isn’t ready to talk.  So I feel like I’m stuck in limbo or no man’s land.  I’d like to have that closure so I can begin to truly move forward.  I’d really rather not wait 15 years for closure this time.

During the past month I’ve started focusing on myself more.  This doesn’t mean I’ve pushed my friends away when they have a problem, or are having a rough day.  It just means that I come first.  It isn’t easy.  I haven’t put myself first in many years.  A big change I’ve made is focusing on my health again.  I’ve adjusted my eating habits so they are more of what I should have been eating for the past three years, and I’ve dedicated myself to exercise.  I go to the gym at least three times each week, and on the days I don’t go I do my best to walk during my break at work (I even have a pair of sneakers at my desk).  As of this morning I only have 11.2 lbs to go to reach my previous lowest weight.  I am very proud of that accomplishment.  I will reach my first short-term goal sooner than I’d expected.

Another huge thing I’ve done for myself happened yesterday.  I decided to stop hemming and hawing over whether or not to go back to school and finish my Bachelor’s Degree.  I spoke to the Assistant Dean of Admissions at University of Mary Washington to find out what I need to do in order be at “active” status again and to re-enter my old program/major.  He was very helpful and told me that even though it’s late I could still be eligible for financial aid for the Fall term.  So yesterday I submitted everything I needed to, including my FAFSA for the Fall term.  I’m nervous, and excited.  Other than my closest friends many might not understand why going back to school is such a big deal to me.  Simply put:  the last day of my last class was the day my father died.  I lost all desire to finish my degree.  So, yes it is a big deal.  The even bigger deal?  The fact that I might add a minor.  I just have to see how things progress.

One of my friends likes to say that we’re works in progress.  I have to keep reminding myself of that as I continue on this roller coaster life has dealt me.  I think the key in the phrase is progress.  Regressing is not an option.  Things take time, and sometimes they take more time than I want.  That’s life.  It can’t be changed.

I will leave you with this quote a friend posted on Facebook last night (I’m all about inspirational quotes and stuff lately).  I hope you take something positive from it.

“In the blink of an eye, everything can change.

So forgive often and love with all your heart.

You may never know when you may not have that chance again.”

-Unknown

Who Am I?

No, the answer is not Jean Valjean.

This is very valid question, however.  One that I probably don't ask myself often enough.  This morning I'm asking because of a video that has been circulating online this week.  It was posted on YouTube by Dove on Monday and it shows how different women perceive themselves versus how others perceive them.  It is not entirely eye-opening to me as I know I view myself far more skewed than others do.  I am my worst critic and enemy.  I always have been.  However, realizing that I am not alone and that there are many other women who view themselves as harshly as I view myself, that is a bit eye-opening.

When I look at myself in the mirror most of the time I will see the flaws.  It is rare that I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.  I have moments where I see her, and others where I see a "pretty" fact looking back.  But generally I see imperfections that I would like to have fixed.  I am told by those who know me and care for me that I am beautiful.  I hear them, and I do try to believe them but it is difficult.  It is a constant battle.  I am starting to get to the point where I do believe it, and I am trying to embrace it so I can be that beautiful woman everyone sees.  The truth is I cannot be truly beautiful unless I believe it myself.

Over the past weeks I have been forced, yet again to realize how strong a person I am.  I have been told for years that I am strong, but again it isn't something I truly see in myself.  Despite a few moments of true despair and the need to be weak for a bit, I know I am strong.  I have been through a great deal in my life, and everything I have encountered has shaped me into the woman I am today.  I have no regrets and would not change any decision I have made at any point in my life.  To change anything would mean that I not only wouldn't be the woman I am, but that I may not have met some of the people who influence my life greatly.

Before I answer my own question, I would like to ask everyone who is reading one question:  Will you take 3 minutes of your day to watch the video?  Please do.  As for who I am?  I am a strong, beautiful woman.  Yes, I have flaws but they do not define me.  They help make me who I am.

Responsibility Acceptance Regret

I know what you’re thinking:  Oh no.  She’s at it again.  Maybe I am.  You’ll just have to read on in order to find out.  Today isn’t so much a bad/negative blog, it’s meant to be more eye-opening.  As adults we are supposed to be responsible and mature.  Many refuse to act as such.  Instead there are a large number of adults who prefer to place the blame on others for things that have gone wrong in their lives.  They are not willing to accept their own decisions and own them, regardless of the consequences.

For as long as I can remember I have always owned up to my choices and their outcomes.  I have no one to “blame” but myself.  Have all the choices I’ve made in my life led to positive outcomes?  No.  Some of them eventually did, but some never did.  I personally cannot fathom blaming another person for the outcome of a decision I’ve made, and quite honestly it irks me when others do so.  I realize they have a right to live their lives as they desire, but sometimes in laying that blame on others it then affects that person’s life as well.  And that is uncalled for.

Yesterday I was thinking about some recent changes in my life, and some decisions that I’ve made.  I thought to myself that I might honestly have my first regret in this life.  That was huge for me because I have never regretted any choice I’ve made.  So, I thought on it a bit more.  I realize that I do not regret that decision.  Was it poorly timed?  Yes.  But I don’t regret it.  Every choice I’ve made has brought me to where I am today.  They have shaped me into the person I am.  Right now with things that have been happening in my life it would be incredibly easy to blame someone for the pain I’ve been feeling, but it’s not his fault.  I made my own choices, and I own up to them.  I will continue to make my choices:  good, bad or otherwise.  If someone doesn’t agree with them, that is their problem.  It is my choice to do as I please, and I try to make choices that will not cause harm to another.

I believe as adults we have the RESPONSIBILITY to not only own our decisions/mistakes but to ACCEPT them.  And ultimately I believe we should live without REGRET.  Regret gets us nowhere.  It is a form of self-pity.  Self-pity can lead to self-destruction.  Neither is a positive option for anyone.  So I ask you, dear readers, to analyze your lives.  To truly think on choices you’ve made and whether or not you have owned them, or if you’ve chosen to place the blame on another.  If you own up to them, bravo!  If you find you place the blame elsewhere more often than not, then perhaps you should question yourself as to why.  The road to acceptance begins within.  I believe we all owe it to ourselves to be the best person we can, and not just only to others but mostly to ourselves.