Friday, April 26, 2013

What A Month

It’s strange how in the blink of an eye our lives can change for better or for worse.  Sometimes when the change happens we don’t know which it is, other times it is glaringly clear.  A month ago yesterday my life changed drastically.  I’m still not sure why, or the reason.  I know many of those who are closest to me say it was for the best, but deep down inside I can’t bring myself to believe it.

A month ago today was the last time I saw someone very dear to me.  I’m beginning to think it may have truly been the last time ever.  That hurts more than the fact that he chose not to have a relationship with me.  We had a bond that doesn’t happen often, and even more rarely as quickly as it did, so to have him almost totally out of my life is leaving a huge void within me.  I remember the morning very clearly.  There were a lot of tears from us both.  He was hugging me and telling me he had to go to work, but he wouldn’t let go.  I can still see the pain in his eyes.  That’s my final memory.  Not exactly a happy one.  Over the past month I’ve tried to be patient.  I’ve stepped back several times.  Yes, I’ve been very upset at times and let my anger fly.  That is expected.  My real issue now is that I need a form of personal closure, and I am not able to achieve that without discussing a few things with him.  He isn’t ready to talk.  So I feel like I’m stuck in limbo or no man’s land.  I’d like to have that closure so I can begin to truly move forward.  I’d really rather not wait 15 years for closure this time.

During the past month I’ve started focusing on myself more.  This doesn’t mean I’ve pushed my friends away when they have a problem, or are having a rough day.  It just means that I come first.  It isn’t easy.  I haven’t put myself first in many years.  A big change I’ve made is focusing on my health again.  I’ve adjusted my eating habits so they are more of what I should have been eating for the past three years, and I’ve dedicated myself to exercise.  I go to the gym at least three times each week, and on the days I don’t go I do my best to walk during my break at work (I even have a pair of sneakers at my desk).  As of this morning I only have 11.2 lbs to go to reach my previous lowest weight.  I am very proud of that accomplishment.  I will reach my first short-term goal sooner than I’d expected.

Another huge thing I’ve done for myself happened yesterday.  I decided to stop hemming and hawing over whether or not to go back to school and finish my Bachelor’s Degree.  I spoke to the Assistant Dean of Admissions at University of Mary Washington to find out what I need to do in order be at “active” status again and to re-enter my old program/major.  He was very helpful and told me that even though it’s late I could still be eligible for financial aid for the Fall term.  So yesterday I submitted everything I needed to, including my FAFSA for the Fall term.  I’m nervous, and excited.  Other than my closest friends many might not understand why going back to school is such a big deal to me.  Simply put:  the last day of my last class was the day my father died.  I lost all desire to finish my degree.  So, yes it is a big deal.  The even bigger deal?  The fact that I might add a minor.  I just have to see how things progress.

One of my friends likes to say that we’re works in progress.  I have to keep reminding myself of that as I continue on this roller coaster life has dealt me.  I think the key in the phrase is progress.  Regressing is not an option.  Things take time, and sometimes they take more time than I want.  That’s life.  It can’t be changed.

I will leave you with this quote a friend posted on Facebook last night (I’m all about inspirational quotes and stuff lately).  I hope you take something positive from it.

“In the blink of an eye, everything can change.
So forgive often and love with all your heart.
You may never know when you may not have that chance again.”


CafeCat said...

AHH yea on School!!! :-)your an inspiration to many espcially me!

Sarah "Avara" Griffith said...

Thank you. :)

dragonladych said...

If there is one thing I have learned it's to never try and talk with men, they'll never be "ready" But then it will be without me I don't need the aggravation.
And more so it's not worth lingering on it since it will never be "solved" move on. You did the right thing going back to school, better to have your own goals.
I'm really sorry that things didn't work out for you. But I'm sure you'll be feeling great finishing your studies, big accomplishment there.