Disappearance

It's interesting to find out who notices when you suddenly “disappear” for a couple days. One would generally expect close friends to notice, and maybe a good acquaintance. I've been MIA since Monday afternoon, having my first “contact” with my phone and computer earlier this evening. There was a text message from my boss, a couple voicemails (a good friend and my coworker) and some emails. On Facebook I had five messages waiting, three were expected.

As I am not currently in any frame of mind to repeat myself multiple times, I decided to address my disappearance in this way. I've never hidden the facts of my life from anyone, and now is no time to start. This may come across as blunt, and possibly cold, but it is all I have right now.

Sunday night I began a very rapid decline in emotional stability. I didn't go to bed until 4:00a and even then my thoughts only stopped racing long enough to let me sleep about 4 hours. I stayed home Monday. I continued to decline. I mapped out a plan. I got a box cutter, the bottle of Jameson and the new 90-days supply bottle of antidepressant. I sat down on the sofa. Initially I tried to cut my left wrist, but I was having difficulty cutting deep enough to do damage. So I started taking swigs of Jameson. Figured it would help me along. Planned to take some of the pills with the Jameson as well.

The last thing I remember seeing was around 4:35 when I read a text from a dear friend. When he came into my house about 30 minutes later I was virtually gone. I was physically numb all the way down my body and could barely respond to anything he said. He called 911. I was taken to the local ER, where I remained until about 12:30a. At that time I was transferred to another hospital with a behavioral health unit (the politically correct term for psychiatric ward).

I saw the psychiatrist each day, participated in group therapy, did a lot of journaling and talking... and agreed that my medicine dose should be increased. I have an appointment already scheduled with a psychiatrist for next week, and am still going to make an appointment with a psychologist as well.

I am not 100%. I may still be somewhat scarce. I am better. If I weren't better I would not have agreed to be released. I just ask that you bear with me while I readjust and continue to heal.

The On-Going Journey

Just over five years ago I experienced a life-changing event. My father died suddenly. I realized with my family history that I needed to turn my life around and get healthy.

Fast forward to this evening. I was going through a box of papers to determined what needed to be saved, shredded or tossed. I came across my first Weight Watchers membership book. On September 13, 2008 I joined Weight Watchers (for the first time ever) with two of my friends. That morning I weighed-in at 329 lbs. This book has my weights for the first 14 weeks of my Weight Watchers journey (they then changed formats and I have no clue where that one is). On week 14 (December 9, 2008) I weighed 311.8 lbs.

Today is almost 5 years since I joined Weight Watchers. I stuck with WW for just over a year. I regained the weight I lost. It wasn't working for me. In September 2009 I went to a weight loss surgery seminar with the same two friends. One already knew she wanted gastric bypass. I was there to support her. I left with an appointment for a consultation. January 26, 2010 I had gastric bypass surgery. I don't regret it for a moment, but it hasn't always been smooth sailing.

Today I looked at some numbers after finding that little WW book. Five years ago I weighed 329 lbs. Today I weighed-in at 192.6 lbs. That is a difference of 136.4 lbs! I have not quite made it back to my lowest post-op weight (190), but I am close. I am also proof that hard work and determination will pay off. I got myself back on track six months ago. I went back to tracking my food, and got my butt to the gym on a regular basis (generally 3 times a week). In the past six months I have reduced my weight by 20 lbs! I went from wearing a size 26/28 five years ago to currently wearing a 14/16 on the bottom half and 12/14/L on the top half. Wow!

I am beyond thrilled with my progress. My clothes are getting looser (again) and people comment regularly that they can tell I've lost more weight. I see the difference more by how my clothes fit than by the number on the scale. However, there are some numbers that do make me very happy: a blood pressure reading that is almost low and normal cholesterol. I am thrilled to feel healthy and I plan to maintain my healthy lifestyle.

I take the time to share my story (in different manners) in order to inspire others. Am I saying weight loss surgery is for every person? No. But living a healthy lifestyle is right for everyone. I am well past the phase where I would be “easily” dropping pounds, so I am proof that hard work and determination can and will pay off.

An Open Letter of Thanks

Dear “Donor”,

I am writing and posting this on my blog in hopes that you will read this. I'm sure we have never met, and perhaps our paths have never crossed at all. However, I am thankful for your generosity towards a dear friend of mine.

Earlier today I had a voicemail message from my dear friend, Suzanne. I was driving at the time she called and never heard my phone ring, only the chime notifying me of a voicemail. When I reached my destination I listened to her message. She was adamant that I needed to either log onto Facebook and read her status or call her. As soon as possible. I pulled up Facebook, and honestly I could not contain my tears of joy as I read her status: an anonymous donor (someone she knows) is providing $50,000 so she can have the very necessary reconstructive surgery she needs (that her insurance has denied). This generous individual asked for nothing in return other than Susanne pay it forward in the way she does best: by sharing her friendship and emotional support with others.

Suzanne and I have never met in person, but she is one of the dearest souls in my life. She is like an older sister to me. I was supposed to be in North Carolina visiting her this weekend and had to cancel due to my own financial situation. Getting this news today made me happier than I've been in a long time.

My faith in humankind is restored. I truly believe there are angels among us. I cannot thank you enough for the gift you have given Suzanne. I will be forever grateful to the “anonymous donor” who is making my dear friend's life more bearable.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Ten Years

There are periods during our lives it feels as if time is either creeping along or flying by too quickly.  For some people a ten years mark can signify happiness:  a school reunion, an anniversary of a relationship, being clean/sober.  For others it can also be a reminder of loss.

Ten years ago my cousin Danny died.  It was unexpected.  It is still painful.  He was only 24 at the time of his death; he was taken from us far too young.  Every year on this day my family grieves anew.  They same time eases the pain.  It does, to some extent, but the pain never goes away.

Danny, today is for you.  I love you.  I miss you.

What A Month

It’s strange how in the blink of an eye our lives can change for better or for worse.  Sometimes when the change happens we don’t know which it is, other times it is glaringly clear.  A month ago yesterday my life changed drastically.  I’m still not sure why, or the reason.  I know many of those who are closest to me say it was for the best, but deep down inside I can’t bring myself to believe it.

A month ago today was the last time I saw someone very dear to me.  I’m beginning to think it may have truly been the last time ever.  That hurts more than the fact that he chose not to have a relationship with me.  We had a bond that doesn’t happen often, and even more rarely as quickly as it did, so to have him almost totally out of my life is leaving a huge void within me.  I remember the morning very clearly.  There were a lot of tears from us both.  He was hugging me and telling me he had to go to work, but he wouldn’t let go.  I can still see the pain in his eyes.  That’s my final memory.  Not exactly a happy one.  Over the past month I’ve tried to be patient.  I’ve stepped back several times.  Yes, I’ve been very upset at times and let my anger fly.  That is expected.  My real issue now is that I need a form of personal closure, and I am not able to achieve that without discussing a few things with him.  He isn’t ready to talk.  So I feel like I’m stuck in limbo or no man’s land.  I’d like to have that closure so I can begin to truly move forward.  I’d really rather not wait 15 years for closure this time.

During the past month I’ve started focusing on myself more.  This doesn’t mean I’ve pushed my friends away when they have a problem, or are having a rough day.  It just means that I come first.  It isn’t easy.  I haven’t put myself first in many years.  A big change I’ve made is focusing on my health again.  I’ve adjusted my eating habits so they are more of what I should have been eating for the past three years, and I’ve dedicated myself to exercise.  I go to the gym at least three times each week, and on the days I don’t go I do my best to walk during my break at work (I even have a pair of sneakers at my desk).  As of this morning I only have 11.2 lbs to go to reach my previous lowest weight.  I am very proud of that accomplishment.  I will reach my first short-term goal sooner than I’d expected.

Another huge thing I’ve done for myself happened yesterday.  I decided to stop hemming and hawing over whether or not to go back to school and finish my Bachelor’s Degree.  I spoke to the Assistant Dean of Admissions at University of Mary Washington to find out what I need to do in order be at “active” status again and to re-enter my old program/major.  He was very helpful and told me that even though it’s late I could still be eligible for financial aid for the Fall term.  So yesterday I submitted everything I needed to, including my FAFSA for the Fall term.  I’m nervous, and excited.  Other than my closest friends many might not understand why going back to school is such a big deal to me.  Simply put:  the last day of my last class was the day my father died.  I lost all desire to finish my degree.  So, yes it is a big deal.  The even bigger deal?  The fact that I might add a minor.  I just have to see how things progress.

One of my friends likes to say that we’re works in progress.  I have to keep reminding myself of that as I continue on this roller coaster life has dealt me.  I think the key in the phrase is progress.  Regressing is not an option.  Things take time, and sometimes they take more time than I want.  That’s life.  It can’t be changed.

I will leave you with this quote a friend posted on Facebook last night (I’m all about inspirational quotes and stuff lately).  I hope you take something positive from it.

“In the blink of an eye, everything can change.

So forgive often and love with all your heart.

You may never know when you may not have that chance again.”

-Unknown

Who Am I?

No, the answer is not Jean Valjean.

This is very valid question, however.  One that I probably don't ask myself often enough.  This morning I'm asking because of a video that has been circulating online this week.  It was posted on YouTube by Dove on Monday and it shows how different women perceive themselves versus how others perceive them.  It is not entirely eye-opening to me as I know I view myself far more skewed than others do.  I am my worst critic and enemy.  I always have been.  However, realizing that I am not alone and that there are many other women who view themselves as harshly as I view myself, that is a bit eye-opening.

When I look at myself in the mirror most of the time I will see the flaws.  It is rare that I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.  I have moments where I see her, and others where I see a "pretty" fact looking back.  But generally I see imperfections that I would like to have fixed.  I am told by those who know me and care for me that I am beautiful.  I hear them, and I do try to believe them but it is difficult.  It is a constant battle.  I am starting to get to the point where I do believe it, and I am trying to embrace it so I can be that beautiful woman everyone sees.  The truth is I cannot be truly beautiful unless I believe it myself.

Over the past weeks I have been forced, yet again to realize how strong a person I am.  I have been told for years that I am strong, but again it isn't something I truly see in myself.  Despite a few moments of true despair and the need to be weak for a bit, I know I am strong.  I have been through a great deal in my life, and everything I have encountered has shaped me into the woman I am today.  I have no regrets and would not change any decision I have made at any point in my life.  To change anything would mean that I not only wouldn't be the woman I am, but that I may not have met some of the people who influence my life greatly.

Before I answer my own question, I would like to ask everyone who is reading one question:  Will you take 3 minutes of your day to watch the video?  Please do.  As for who I am?  I am a strong, beautiful woman.  Yes, I have flaws but they do not define me.  They help make me who I am.

Responsibility Acceptance Regret

I know what you’re thinking:  Oh no.  She’s at it again.  Maybe I am.  You’ll just have to read on in order to find out.  Today isn’t so much a bad/negative blog, it’s meant to be more eye-opening.  As adults we are supposed to be responsible and mature.  Many refuse to act as such.  Instead there are a large number of adults who prefer to place the blame on others for things that have gone wrong in their lives.  They are not willing to accept their own decisions and own them, regardless of the consequences.

For as long as I can remember I have always owned up to my choices and their outcomes.  I have no one to “blame” but myself.  Have all the choices I’ve made in my life led to positive outcomes?  No.  Some of them eventually did, but some never did.  I personally cannot fathom blaming another person for the outcome of a decision I’ve made, and quite honestly it irks me when others do so.  I realize they have a right to live their lives as they desire, but sometimes in laying that blame on others it then affects that person’s life as well.  And that is uncalled for.

Yesterday I was thinking about some recent changes in my life, and some decisions that I’ve made.  I thought to myself that I might honestly have my first regret in this life.  That was huge for me because I have never regretted any choice I’ve made.  So, I thought on it a bit more.  I realize that I do not regret that decision.  Was it poorly timed?  Yes.  But I don’t regret it.  Every choice I’ve made has brought me to where I am today.  They have shaped me into the person I am.  Right now with things that have been happening in my life it would be incredibly easy to blame someone for the pain I’ve been feeling, but it’s not his fault.  I made my own choices, and I own up to them.  I will continue to make my choices:  good, bad or otherwise.  If someone doesn’t agree with them, that is their problem.  It is my choice to do as I please, and I try to make choices that will not cause harm to another.

I believe as adults we have the RESPONSIBILITY to not only own our decisions/mistakes but to ACCEPT them.  And ultimately I believe we should live without REGRET.  Regret gets us nowhere.  It is a form of self-pity.  Self-pity can lead to self-destruction.  Neither is a positive option for anyone.  So I ask you, dear readers, to analyze your lives.  To truly think on choices you’ve made and whether or not you have owned them, or if you’ve chosen to place the blame on another.  If you own up to them, bravo!  If you find you place the blame elsewhere more often than not, then perhaps you should question yourself as to why.  The road to acceptance begins within.  I believe we all owe it to ourselves to be the best person we can, and not just only to others but mostly to ourselves.

One Step Forward... How Many Steps Back?

Throughout life we hear people say how they took one step forward and "x" steps back.  I'm sure at times in my life I've felt this way wholeheartedly.  I should feel that way right now, but I don't.

Yes, my last blog was all positive and upbeat talking about the strides I've been taking with my life.  I'm not expecting this to be full of doom and gloom, but it may not be all that positive either.

I truly believe things happen for a reason, and that people come into our lives for a reason.  We may  not be able to see that reason immediately - or possibly ever - but there is a reason.  

Nearly five years ago my dad died suddenly of a heart attack.  To look at him you would have considered him a healthy man, and I'm sure for the most part he was.  However, genetics can play a role in these types of things and there is a history of heart problems in the family (his father died suddenly of a heart attack as well).  Dad's death was a wake-up call for me in many ways, although at the time I may not have realized it.  When he died I felt an void inside me where my heart should be.  I was empty and hurting, and alone.  I could no longer call my dad when I needed advice.  I still miss him to this day, and right now I miss him a whole lot more than I did even a week ago.  I know he's here with me, supporting me and my decisions, but right now being able to hear his voice would mean the world to me.

For most of my adult life I've had trust issues when it comes to men.  This stems from my relationship with my ex-husband.  For many years I refused to let anyone in, and if they managed to get in even a little I still didn't fully trust them.  That began to change a couple years ago when I met a gentle soul who has become one of my living angels.  He unknowingly helped me begin to form that bond of trust with the opposite sex again.  Last year I took a huge leap of faith in letting that wall down when I started "seriously" dating someone.  For the first time in probably forever I believed it when a man told me I was beautiful, sexy and desirable.  Then when he told me he didn't want a relationship with me, just to be friends, that wall started going back up.  I couldn't understand how a man could tell me these things and then turn around and basically say he wasn't interested.  The wheels started turning, and as I do so well I began to over-think things.

Yesterday was a very rough day for me.  I was given some news that left me speechless.  I suddenly had that void again.  The one I'd had when Dad died.  I also felt rejection, again.  It was like everything I had been working towards and dreaming of had just been snatched out from under me, and I was falling down an abyss.  While talking with Mom about the events of the afternoon/evening a realization hit me... this man who had made me feel this void was was the first and only man other than my father who I trusted without question.  And today I still trust him the same way.  I won't go into details as to what happened.  It's not something that needs to be put on a public blog.  I will say that yesterday I questioned how strong a person I am, among many other things.  Last night I didn't feel strong at all.  I felt like a small child, lost and alone and in need of help.  Then, I looked into his eyes and realized he possibly felt worse than I did.  Something clicked.

I feel calm.  I would not say I'm totally at peace, nor will I lie and say there won't be further tears.  I know there will be tears.  Both his and mine.  I'm realizing I am strong.  Perhaps not as strong as others envision me, but stronger than I thought.  A mere 4-5 months ago what happened yesterday would have destroyed me to the point of self-harm.  I feel none of that now.  I know I can make it through this, and be the friend I need to be to him while we muck through this storm.

So to answer the question in my title, "How many steps back?"  None.  I may not have moved a step forward, but I'm also not allowing myself to go back.

Life

Sometimes life throws us a curveball.  I am certainly not where I expected to be at this point in my life.  Many moons ago when I was a mere young’un of 18 I made a promise to myself:  By the age of 28 I’d be happily married, in a stable career and have at least one child.  On my 28^th birthday I was divorced, working a job that I had no idea would lead to a career and had no children.  I was however, living in one of the busiest cities in the US.  Overall I was happy, although it was a stark punch of reality to know I hadn’t succeeded in attaining my goals.

Due to my early dating/relationship experiences I went many years without dating, or even attempting to date.  I knew that I had to get myself in a place where emotionally and mentally I could share myself with another.  It wasn’t until last year, after I turned 40 that I allowed my best friend to cajole me into attempting to date.  I joined an online dating service.  It was a rough start.  Lots of messages from men that were immediately deleted due to their content, and a couple of dates with a couple different guys.  I was feeling a bit underwhelmed and considered tossing in the towel.  Then another friend suggested a different site.  I signed up and gave it a try.  I met someone fairly quickly, and things went well for awhile.  Then he dropped the bomb on me that he really didn’t see us in a relationship.  It was heartbreaking, and it put me back in that position of questioning whether or not I should be dating.  So, I took a deep breath and tried again.

Just after the beginning of this year I started talking to another guy from the same site.  We went out on several dates, but agreed from the beginning it would be more of a “friends” situation since he wasn’t really ready to settle down.  (He was coming from a bad marriage.)  I figured I would keep looking to see if anyone caught my eye.  I wasn’t really serious about it, just curious.

Then I happened across a really quirky and funny profile.  I took a chance and sent a message.  I didn’t hear anything for several days and figured he’d decided we weren’t a good enough match.  But then I did hear from him, and we found that we do have a lot in common.  We’ve been on a number of dates, and have a good time when we’re together.  We have an amazing connection with one another.  It’s like we’ve known one another forever.

I did not expect any of this at this point in my life.  In just the past few weeks I have felt myself grow stronger as a person, and I feel as if I’ve blossomed further.  I seriously considered changing jobs within the insurance industry, but realized the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere.  I’ve been in the insurance biz for 13 years now.  That’s pretty impressive.  Plus, I have a boss who respects me and needs me to help him run his office.  I know my worth now, and I don’t question it.  I have no idea where the future will lead me, but I am confident that I can go forward with my head held high.

Starting Over... Again.

This past weekend marked the beginning of a new chapter. Saturday and Sunday everything I own was packed onto a U-Haul truck and moved into a storage facility. I am so thankful for my neighbors because without them it never would have been completed, and today would have arrived and I would have lost everything.

I suppose I should back up a bit for those unfamiliar with what has been going on in my life the past several months. In mid-September my house was foreclosed and bought by the mortgage company at auction. I knew they would have to go through the formal eviction procedure as I was still living in the house at the time. In late October I received the summons to go to court for unlawful detainee charges, and on November 4 the judge gave me 10 days to vacate the premises. That brings me to today, day 10.

While all this was transpiring I was actively searching for a new place to live. Not an easy task when you require a certain number of rooms to accommodate everything and everyone. See, my mom is moving up from Florida to move in with me so there needs to be room for both of us as well as space for her home office. I thought I'd found a place right off the bat, but we were rejected before ever putting in an application due to my foreclosure and credit. I actually believe that has been our biggest hurdle for all the places we've applied. I have an application I am supposed to hear back about today, and I am praying it is positive. Living in limbo isn't fun.

Last night Fluffy, Mina and I moved in to my friend Gena's house. I have the sofa and the cats, well they can fight for whatever space they can find. See, I am the fifth adult to move into the house and there are 3 small children and multiple other animals as well. So it's a bit cramped, but I am so very thankful to Gena for giving me a roof over my head. Otherwise, I'd be literally homeless right now.

I don't think the full reality hit me until yesterday when I was pulling out of the driveway for the last time. That was the first time I'd cried in weeks. I cried several times last night, and I feel as if I could cry right now. I'm also incredibly exhausted as I slept very little last night – if I got 2 hours sleep it's a lot. This isn't helping the migraine I've had growing since sometime during the night either. It's a surreal feeling not having a home of your own and knowing all your belongings are somewhere else. I'm thankful to still have the kitties because they are a comfort to me right now, even though they aren't very happy with me for uprooting their little lives. They will adjust, and so will I.

I don't know how I would have survived these past months without the love and support of my mom and the angels in my life. I know I don't say thank you often enough, but I do always appreciate everything that is done for me. I'm also thankful for my job which is a constant way of staying rooted.  I have the best boss in the world and am lucky he's been so understanding these past months.  Now I just need to find a place to live and get everything moved so Mom can move up and we can begin a chapter of life together.

If you are reading this, I don't ask for much – just a kind thought or prayer. I know things will work out for the best, I just don't know when. Thank you, my friends, for your support. It means the world to me.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I haven’t written anything lately because I’ve been in a bit of a funk. A lot has been going on and I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to share. Then I realized that most of my followers already know about my financial problems, and those who stumble across this and don’t know will learn something new. Before I delve into the latest financial crisis, let me bring you up to date on the good in my life.


My job is going well. I spent most of last week in the office working with my boss and co-worker. I jumped right in with both feet on my first morning, handling a rather touchy situation for a customer. The boss was pleased. Just as I was starting to feel settled in the office and into a routine I got to come back to the training center for a week. Other than the educational stuff we’re doing first thing in the morning I don’t see a huge need for me to be here, but I just follow the rules and do as I’m told (which in this case was coming into training for the final week). It’s nice to see all my fellow “students” again. We have a nice camaraderie.


Some other good news is that my weight loss seems to be renewing after a very long stall. I attribute it to the new job and being on more of a steady schedule. I’m even able to fit into some size 14 pants that I’ve had for months and months. It was quite a happy time when I tried them on and realized they now fit! Perhaps I will make it to goal by the end of the year.


Now for the not so great news… A week ago this past Saturday my Jeep was repossessed. I was three months behind on my payments and they came at 5:00a to tow her away. I hadn’t expected this to happen so soon, and what made me feel worse was that I had a check written out for one month’s payment just waiting to be mailed. Thanks to some help from my mom (as I still have no internet access at home) I was able to obtain a rental car for a good rate and that’s what I’ve been driving for just over a week now. I am working to get the money together to get my Jeep back, and the bank is aware of that so they are not going to auction it at this time. It’s still nerve-racking though not knowing where my vehicle is or when I’ll have her back. The past week has been an emotional roller-coaster and I feel as if my job is one of the only things holding me together. When I’m at home all I want to do is sleep so I can escape the reality of what is going on, and I know that isn’t healthy. So I ask that you please keep me in your thoughts (and prayers if you are so inclined) that all this works itself out in a timely fashion.

Commuting is fun, right?

I'd like to see a show of hands of everyone who commutes to work.  Hmm... I don't see too many hands raised.  ;)  Anyway, my new job (and the training) require a daily commute.  Goody.  To training my one-way trip is about 66 miles, and I'll be in training for a total of 3 weeks.  Thankfully the commute to my office is a bit less - somewhere around 40 miles one-way.  Last night I did some math and in the previous 24 hour period I had driven 150.5 miles.  Most of that was my commute, the rest was the drive home from the gas station Tuesday night.  That's a fair share of driving for one day.  No wonder I'm tired when I get home.  LOL

Commuting aside training is going well.  Today we're actually working on learning to do a quote in the system.  I'd like a little more background on how to look up customer information in the system for servicing purposes but I don't know that we're going to get a whole lot of that until the final week when we're doing service calls.  Good thing I'm a quick learner.

Yesterday I found out that my P&C license is still valid until September 1.  So yes, girls and boys, that means I rushed to get the licensing exam done for no reason.  I could have screamed.  I guess on the positive side this means it's out of the way.  I also found out I need to get non-resident licenses for DC and MD since my boss carries both and can (and does to an extent) write business there.  So I have to find out how to go about doing that.  Pardon me while I jump.  (Just kidding.)

Other than the weather I don't have anything else to comment on at this time, so I'll put you out of your misery and stop here.  ;)

Yesterday and Today

Sunday, July 17

Yesterday was the big day, and I was a bundle of nerves. I left the house early and went to the library for a bit just to try and take my mind off things. I arrived at the testing center right on time and got checked-in. Things have changed since I took the Health, Life and Annuities exam last year. Now if you fail one part you only have to retake that part and not both. I'm not sure if finding out that fact eased my nerves or made them worse. I settled into my little cubby and began the first part of the test. At first the questions seemed really simple but then I started to feel nervous as it seemed like there were questions about things I'd never seen before. Then I got to the second section (laws) which told me was 40 questions and 40 minutes to complete! My brain nearly went into a meltdown with fear of running out of time. Finally I finished and went out to the front to get my things and my result. I didn't have to wait to read the paper because the proctor said, “congratulations!” to me. What a weight off my shoulders.

Today I've been getting organized to start the new job tomorrow. I began with organizing my closet so all the work appropriate clothes are together, then I moved onto the kitchen to make sure things are all ready for me to grab a pro shake in the morning and my lunch. I've even managed a load of laundry. Now I'm just relaxing a bit and enjoying the afternoon.

9:01p

It has definitely been nice to just relax. Amidst my relaxing I managed to remember to fill the hummingbird feeders. The hummies are happy now. Happy hummies make a happy Mina because she gets to sit and watch them.

I've mixed my morning pro shake, and put together my lunch for tomorrow. Now I'm just waiting a bit longer before going to bed. Just because I have to get up super early doesn't mean I need to go to bed at 9:00, although I will most likely be in bed by 10:00 at this rate just so I can get a good night's sleep. So for now I'm going to finish the moving I'm watching and then contemplate bed. I must be at my best for my first day tomorrow.

Monday, July 18

7:50a

Today is the first day of my new job. Big surprise, I'm early. Bigger surprise: I'm more han one hour early. I guess I over-estimated how bad traffic would be. It only took me a little over an hour to get here, which is what it took me the day of my interview. So tomorrow I'll leave a little later.

The office is near a commuter station so I get to watch all the people bustling about on their way to work. There is something so wrong about a man in a suit wearing a backpack and sneakers. Then there is the lady standing outside her car, reading. You'd think it would be more comfortable to sit in the car to read. I'm sure she has her own logic to things though.

The office “park” is interesting. It's not exactly a strip mall but it also isn't just one building. It's a group of buildings – some one-story and others three-story. The three-story ones have apartments/condos on the top floors. I can only imagine what they go for. There's even a small playground area for those with kids. It seems a rather quiet area – if you don't mind a train whistle intermittently through the day. It is, however, a shame there isn't a Starbucks here. They'd probably do good business from all the commuters. Plus I could go in there to sit instead of sitting in the car. LOL (Heck, an iced mocha sounds good too.) so far it's a beautiful day, but it's too early to tell how hot it will be. It's pleasant right now with just the hint of a breeze. It is almost a pity I'll be spending the day inside. Almost. All I have to do is remember why I'll be inside and it makes it all worthwhile.

12:35p

Ok so today has been interesting so far. I am not the only new hire in Jason's office. We spent a couple hours going over things while Jason waited to hear about the training class. Turns out training started today, no Wednesday as he thought. So Christ (pronounced Chris) and I piled into our vehicles and headed to Fairfax for training. We got here during lunch break so I figured I would take a few moments to jot down some thoughts.

Surprisingly I haven't had the crash and burn feeling hit me yet. I'm sure by the end of the day it will. The training room is comfy although a bit warm. I can't imagine how it will feel full of bodies. The one trainer I’ve spoken with so far is very nice. I'm trying to make a list of the things I still need to take are of now that I’ve passed the exam. First and foremost is the background check. That means printing off the form and mailing it off with a money order. I don't think there was anything else that has to be done to it. Except maybe having it notarized. Maybe there is a notary here since I don't know how else i'll find the time to get it done. It will work out somehow. I also want to talk with Jason about whether or not I need to get my MD and DC licenses since he is able to write in both. Another bridge to cross, but I’m not going to let it bother me.

It just dawned on me that this is the first (non-holiday) Monday in months that I haven't spent doing truck. Do I miss it? No! Im not even upset about having to get up earlier for he commute. It is all worth it. Although I do need to find out what time training starts in the morning. We get out at 4:30 so I'm guessing it begins at 8:00. from what I understand I'll be in here for two weeks, then back in the office for a week, and then back in here for a week. A little different from how things were in the past. As long as it provides me with enough background, I'm good.

6:38p

I'm at the library after an uneventful drive. Traffic wasn't too bad, which was surprising. The best part is that I don't have to be in tomorrow until 9:30! I might actually get to sleep in just a tad. All in all I would say day 1 of training was a success. I just wish I hadn't missed the first three hours. I'm going to catch up a bit on my email and such and then head home to have some dinner (well, after putting gas in the Jeep). I hope everyone has a great evening!

July 15, 2011

8:12p

It’s been a long day and it’s still not over. My day started at 6:00a when my alarm went off. All I wanted to do was snuggle back into the covers but that wasn’t possible. We had some busy moments at work but mostly it was steady (at least after about 10:00a). I showed Vicki a bit more about how to do photo, and she even managed to start her first roll of film (for developing) fairly quick. I think she’ll catch on as long as whomever teaches her has some patience.

Kim must have realized how tired and stressed I was because she asked me at 3:00 if I would like to go home early. She didn’t have to ask twice. LOL I actually ended up leaving about quarter after since I was finishing up a roll of film. From work I headed home to change and grab the computer, and then I headed into Culpeper to the library before they closed. From the library it was off to one of my least favorite places, Walmart. Sadly they are a necessary evil at times. I bought a pre-paid cell phone to use while my service is off. I will be quite limited in how much I use it, but it’s basically just to keep everyone in the loop and so I can be reached in an emergency.

I had some dinner a little while ago and now I’m getting ready to take another practice exam. I’m only doing one tonight because I don’t think my brain can handle more than that. I’m being positive that I CAN and I WILL pass the exam tomorrow. Now it’s time to do that practice exam.

9:20p

The key to passing the exam is to stay positive and calm. Yes, girls and boys I passed the practice exam, and with a better percentage than last night. I just have to remember to take my time, read the questions and answers thoroughly and do my best not to stress. I’m more confident now than I was last night and that’s a good thing. I KNOW I will pass tomorrow. How’s that for positive mental attitude? 

July 14, 2011

12:37p

I hadn’t planned to take a break this early but my computer decided to restart (to finish updates) while I was in the midst of my practice exam.  Words cannot describe how annoyed I was that all the work I’d already done was lost thanks to this restart.  Actually I did say a few words, but they aren’t fit to share.

I got a late start this morning after a poor night’s sleep.  I don’t know why I couldn’t stay asleep last night, but it’s frustrating.  It doesn’t help matters any that I’m not feeling well today.  My ears hurt and the glands in my throat are swollen.  I hope it’s nothing serious – just severe allergies or a minor head cold.  Goodness knows I can’t afford to be sick right now.  I guess a regimen of gargling with warm salted water and drinking extra fluids is called for. 

At least my little break has been productive.  I loaded the dishwasher and have it running, and I ate lunch.  Now that I’m refueled I think it’s time to try that practice exam again…

2:53p

Break number two… and my first “non-pass” result on the practice exam.  I went back and looked over the questions I missed and could kick myself on some of them.  I know this stuff.  I lived it for a number of years, so there is no excuse for stupid mistakes.  Ok, so I haven’t had a lot of experience with business policies so those questions I’m a bit more forgiving of having missed them.  However the others just cause me to shake my head in disbelief.  I need a little break though before going for try number two.  Perhaps I’ll empty the dishwasher and have a little snack – something to give my brain a short break.

5:36p

Break number three… and hallelujah I passed the blasted practice exam on the second try.  Mind you I didn’t pass it by much so I will be doing it again, although maybe not tonight because my brain is feeling a bit jumbled right now.  I want to go to the library but I know I shouldn’t due to financial restrictions (going anywhere right now with the cost of gas is an “as necessary” basis).  So I will sit at home, going a bit stir crazy from the quiet.

I’ve been dreaming of true love’s kiss…

And tonight’s feature film was… Enchanted!  I haven’t watched this one in awhile and I had forgotten how much I love it.  Yes, it falls into the whole fairytale theme that’s been going on but it’s such a fun film as well, mixing animation with live action.  And hey, I didn’t sob my eyes out so it was a good night.  LOL  It does have me wondering something though (since it has such a mix of classic Disney films within it) if a ballroom scene is required for a Disney princess movie.  It just seems as if most of the princess films have a ballroom scene (my favorite being Beauty and the Beast).  Anyone else have a favorite Disney moment (ballroom or not)?

Now that the movie is over I’m trying to wind down a bit.  I need to call it an early night since I open in the morning, and I’ve had the opportunity to be lazy all week and sleep late.  Six o’clock is going to come real early of that you can be sure, but it is my official last day at CVS.  I have a feeling it will take a few weeks to adjust to the 9-5 schedule after an erratic part-time schedule, but I’m looking forward to it.  I’ve been waiting a long time for this moment and I plan to make the most of it.

Okay it is time to mix my pro shake for the morning, gather the kitties up and head off to bed.  *yawn*

July 12, 2011

Misery… loves company?

For the record I’m not miserable, just a little challenged communications-wise.  It is amazing what one can get done when there is no internet or mobile phone to distract.  For example I only have one chapter left in my Virginia Property & Casualty book to read – one out of twenty chapters.  Okay, so some of the chapters are short but you must keep in mind this isn’t exactly exciting reading material.  But it is a necessary read in order to pass the state licensing exam this Saturday.

Let me back up for a minute and bring my readers up to speed.  It’s currently July 12, 2011, 10:46p and goodness only knows when I’ll actually get to post this to my blog.  Hopefully tomorrow but I’m not holding my breath.  Why am I without my wireless service (which includes my internet and phone)?  Because, contrary to popular belief the wireless companies actually like to get paid when they send out a bill.  Obviously they don’t realize that I like receiving a decent paycheck for hours worked, but I digress.  Yes girls and boys, money is tight.  I could let this get me down, but what would be the point?  It’s far better to make the best of the situation (although it does feel odd to have the computer on and not be able to check my email or Facebook).  Plus I know things are beginning to turn around and that is something positive.

Some may be wondering why I’m taking the state exam for P&C…  Well, I’m going back into the insurance business and have to be licensed.  Again.  Yes, I could kick myself for letting my license expire, but who knew I’d be going back to work in this particular field?  Even more surprising is the fact that I’m going to be working in an Allstate office again.  I had a really great interview a couple weeks back and was offered the job pretty much on the spot – despite not having my license.  It was a plus that I do have a valid Health, Life and Annuities license though.  I agreed to get my P&C license so I can begin this wonderful full-time position as a customer service representative.

What’s that?  Some of you want to know what will become of my part-time position at CVS?  Officially I’m being kept on the payroll for the time being.  My manager would love it if I was willing to work a few hours on a Saturday here and there to help out, and honestly I’m not totally against the idea.  So we will see how things go with getting settled into the new job before making a final decision.

The worst part of the new job transition has got to be the paycheck.  This week is the last of weekly paychecks at CVS as they are going bi-weekly, and it will be at least two weeks before I get my first paycheck at Allstate.  So things are going to be tight the next couple weeks.  Much tighter than I’m happy with, but I will find a way to manage.  On a positive note I’m hoping being in a stable, full-time position will help me control my emotional eating problems.  Once under control I will finally be able to lose those last 40 or so pounds.  Goal, here I come!

My, it’s quiet in here…

For those who have done any type of serious studying in their lives you know that you cannot study constantly without any breaks.  Believe me when I say when studying insurance breaks are a requirement.  Depending on what type of insurance you are studying you find that it either bores you to tears or puts you to sleep (or perhaps a blend of the two).  The three day cram-fest I did for my Health, Life and Annuities was hell.  I found the subject almost completely foreign and insanely boring, but I obviously retained something as I passed the exam on the first try.  I’m only finding the Property and Casualty boring in the sense that it’s like a review for me, albeit a review of something I haven’t dealt with in years.  So what do I do to break-up the monotony of studying in a quiet house?  During the day I take little breaks to get something to eat, stretch (a walk out to the mailbox helps) and bug whichever cat happens to be in the house (usually Mina, stretched-out next to me).  In the evenings I’ve been going through the DVD collection and digging out movies I haven’t watched in awhile.

I must say I’ve learned something about my DVD collection, or perhaps I should say my taste in movies, amidst the fantasy/sci-fi and action flicks I have a whole bunch of “happily ever after” type movies.  It’s almost a bit depressing because I always cry when I watch them.  It has me asking myself if I’m crying because it’s a happy ending or if I’m crying because I want my happy ending.  Either way I’ve gone through a lot of tissues the past couple nights.  Perhaps I should just stick to the Bruce Willis films I have, at least they are mindless and don’t cause me to question my life.  LOL

Right now I’m winding down with a little Bruno Pelletier.  I can’t think of much better to wind up my day with, and wind it up I must do.  Tomorrow is another day of review and practice test taking.  Thanks for reading… and hopefully I didn’t bore you to tears.  ;)

Things I Have Learned

On the one year anniversary (aka surgiversary) of my gastric bypass surgery I decided to make a list of things I’ve learned over the past year: 

·         First and foremost I’ve learned that I am a much stronger person than I’ve ever imagined.  Having your insides rearranged isn’t simple or easy, nor is the lifestyle that must be maintained afterward. 

·         I’ve also learned that I tolerate sugar very well (not good to know) and that too much fat and I are not friends (definitely good to know). 

·         I’ve learned which protein drinks/powders/bars I like and dislike, and that at any given time that could change.  You just gotta love the ever changing taste buds.  LOL

·         I’ve accepted the hair loss I experienced and am rejoicing in the new hair growth.

·         “Head hunger” is evil and will do its best to make you overeat and eat the wrong things.  At one year out I rarely feel true bodily hunger, and because of this I have to remind myself to eat.

·         Dehydration happens very easily.  If I don’t drink at least 64 ounces each day I immediately feel dryness in my skin and increased thirst.

·         Exercise is my friend: whether it’s at the gym, home or somewhere else.

·         It is fun to be able to fit into spaces I couldn’t just a matter of months earlier.

·         I have more energy.

·         During the melting stage Goodwill is my friend: they accept the clothes I can no longer wear and sell gently worn clothing for a very reasonable price.

·         I’m an inspiration to others.

I’m sure there are many other things I’ve learned but these are the ones that come to the forefront of my mind.  Of course I also know that without the love and support of my family and friends I would have a much harder time with my journey.  I am very thankful to have so many who have been here for me over the past year, and who will continue to be by my side.

New Year, New Blog

Many years ago I stopped making New Year’s resolutions when I realized I was not able to keep them.  I couldn’t see the point in making a promise that I knew would be broken at some point during the year – and in some cases within the first 24-hours.  Of course each year I’d have little things I’d want to accomplish, or think that I could accomplish without making a formal resolution.  2011 is not the year I plan to change my “no resolutions” way of thinking, however I do expect it to be a year of change.

I am only 22 days away from the one year anniversary of my laparoscopic RNY gastric bypass surgery, or surgiversary as WLS patients call it.  I am very pleased with my results to date, and even though I will not be at my personal goal by January 26 I am much closer than I was a year ago at this time.  The changes in my body are amazing to me.  I’m wearing clothing sizes that I haven’t worn since high school or possibly even middle school – that is 20+ years ago!  It’s just an amazing feeling to see the metamorphosis of my body and to know that I’m still not entirely ready to leave my cocoon.  I am so very thankful to have been given the tool to make this happen; to create a healthier me for the future.

There are still demons I battle and in September they came to a head.  I had a sort of breakdown at the end of the month and ended up spending five days in a psychiatric ward.  It was a turning point for me and has helped me realize that my depression stems back further than I originally thought.  I attend a group therapy session weekly and have one-on-one counseling as often as possible.  None of this would be possible without the help of the Rappahannock-Rapidan Community Services Board.  They have approved me for low-cost assistance for my treatment and medications.  It is truly a blessing.  I’m feeling mentally and physically better than I have in a very long time.

During these past months I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will lose my house, whether I manage to sell it on my own or allow it to be foreclosed.  At first this was one of the things that sent me over the edge, but now I’m at peace with it.  The only saving grace would be for the condo in Florida to sell but I’m not counting my eggs before they hatch, and I may possibly need to live there for a bit.  So now I live each day to the fullest and allow myself to be open to the possibilities.

Another way I’m blessed is the part-time job I have at CVS.  On the books I’m a head cashier but when I was hired it was to be trained as a manager.  I have no estimate as to when I’ll make the manager designation but it would be nice if it were sooner than later.  I enjoy the work and those I work with.  I never thought I could enjoy retail but I really do.  It’s completely different from the cashier and retail jobs I had in high school and college.  I’m definitely interested to see where this will lead.

Last year I’d said I would blog on a regular basis and obviously that did not happen.  This year I will not make that same mistake.  I will blog when the feeling strikes, and hopefully it will be more often than once every six months.  LOL

May everyone have a happy and prosperous 2011!

So I'm not a very good blogger...

As usual I've been lax at blogging.  Call it laziness if you want.  I prefer to call it forgetfulness.  LOL  So much has happened since the last time I wrote that I doubt I can remember it all, so I'll just touch on the important things.

The position with Insphere did not work out.  I won't go into details but I decided to break ties with them after I became very ill and in a great deal of pain (to the point that I had a CT-Scan done to make sure there were no problems from my surgery).  I worked for about two weeks at a local billing office until my migraines reared their ugly head.  It's a shame that didn't work out because the environment was nice as were the people, and it would have provided medical benefits.  I had been offered two positions at the same time, one with the billing office and one with another insurance group as an independent contractor, so I contacted the second company and they were still interested.  I had started training before some other issues arose.  Technically I'm still with them, but I'm exercising some more options and might possibly have another job that would begin later this month (that would offer stable income).  I'll know more Tuesday.

Now onto some of the happier things...  I spent July 4th weekend in Flat Rock, NC with Gloria seeing For the Glory in its latest incarnation.  Michael Lanning was back as the northern captain and several alums from Gettysburg and DC were back as well, but the biggest treat was Mike Eldred as the southern captain.  We haven't seen Mike since the first national tour in 2000 so it was a thrill to see him, although I will admit that I missed having him sing Sarah since he's the only man who's ever made me cry every time he sings it.  (Ryan did a great job... he just isn't Mike.)  We also saw several of the cast (and a couple other alums) do a NYC Writers' show (like a writers in the round) in northern VA the following week, which was also a lot of fun.

We made a rather impromptu decision to see one of the festival's Bruno Pelletier was performing at early in August.  As usual the stars and moons aligned for us so we had several shows lined-up and friends to visit while we were there.  Our first full day there was August 4 and we had lunch with Mad and then went to the casino with Anna that night.  Surprisingly we all won money (even me who doesn't gamble played a few dollars and won).  The next day (5th) was Bruno's show - at a village about 2.5 hours from our hotel.  It was a gorgeous day for an outdoor festival... until about 8:00 that night.  We almost didn't get a show because a heavy storm came through during the second act (Bruno was the 3rd and final) causing her to leave the stage early.  We got drenched but we were persistent, and in the end Bruno and co. did go on and put on a great show for the approximately 100 people who stayed.  It was after 3:00a when we got back to the hotel and we were both still wet and cold.  Friday morning we made arrangements to meet with one of our other friends for a bit late morning.  He had a very busy schedule that day but had some time to meet for coffee.  Then that night we headed over to Granby to see Michael Dozier and co. in the Equire Show Bar Revue.  This is the second summer we've seen it - it's just a lot of fun.  Saturday we were off to another outdoor festival, this time to see Vincenzo Thoma sing at an Italian festival.  The weather was beautiful although the breeze made it a bit chilly.  It was nice to finally meet Vincenzo and hear him sing a variety of Italian songs.  Sunday we had to leave.  *sobs*

I'd love to say that was the end of our travels for the summer, but it wasn't.  We went back to Flat Rock again, this time to see Mike perform a John Denver tribute show.  We only stayed overnight but it was worth it.  I grew up listening to John Denver's music so to hear one of my favorite performers sing his music was amazing.  I'd go again in a heartbeat.

Yesterday I returned from New York after taking Gloria home.  The worst part of the summer is always saying goodbye when I leave.  I wish there was a way for us to live nearer to one another.

I've also passed the 6 months mark since my surgery.  I had my follow-up appointment the beginning of August (just before we left for Montreal) and everything is fine.  My iron level is still a bit low for my liking so I'm trying to add more iron rich foods to my diet so I'm not having to take more than one supplement a day.  I'm also proud to announce that as of this morning I have lost 106.6 lbs!  Not bad for 7 months, eh?

Now I need to go to the library and deal with an overdue library book.  Hopefully they'll let me pay the fine and renew it since I still haven't finished it.  Then I'll probably head home to work on laundry and perhaps do a bit more beading and list things on my Etsy shop (see link in my links section).

One final thing before I sign off, if you or a loved-one has a medical condition please do the right thing and wear a medical alert bracelet or necklace.  God forbid you are in a situation where you are unconcious and none of your close family or friends are able to speak with EMS, you need them to know your conditions.  I wear mine all the time so EMS is aware of the gastric bypass surgery which means I can't have a blind NG tube or NSAIDS.  Please make sure you and your loved-ones are protected.  If you don't like the plain ones check out Lauren's Hope Medical IDs (www.laurenshope.com).


Have a great Friday and enjoy your weekend!

Ending the month with a bang!

I suppose promising myself I'd blog something every day wasn't the best idea.  Best laid plans and all that...  But I do try to blog when there is something on my mind or something important to me.  Today is one of those days.

As most of my close friends know I've been actively looking for work since the end of February/beginning of March.  Nothing has really panned out except a temp agency specializing in medical practices, and they haven't had any positions available.  I did go on another interview after that for a receptionist position in a pediatric dentistry practice and when I left I didn't have a good feeling.  I'm not really surprised I never heard from them.  Then the beginning of last week I had a message regarding one of the resumes I'd sent out.  I called and spoke to the gentleman and set up an interview for last Thursday.  Interview #1 went well, and I learned that the company does a 3-part interview system to make sure they have the right people for the jobs.  Friday was set to be a telephone interview but due to an emergency it was postponed until Monday.  Today was my final interview, and I went into it very positive and expecting the best.  I was offered the position!  *happy dance*

I begin training May 10th, but before then I need to finish a licensing class and pass the state exam so I can sell life and health insurance.  No problem.  Everyone says the property and casualty classes and exam are harder and I passed that one just fine.  I will be working for Insphere Insurance Solutions as an independent contractor, which means although they pay me I am basically my own boss.  I like that.  Once licensed and trained I will be selling life, health, long-term care and retirement plans - oh, and they provide all the leads with no cost to me.  Needless to say I'm excited about this new step my career is taking!

Also, as of this morning I have hit the 69.8 lbs mark - just 13 weeks out of surgery!  I'm well on my way to reaching my goal - although running out of clothes that fit is a bit frustrating.  LOL

I'm also trying to get all my plants re-potted so they can enjoy the Spring weather.  I've bought larger pots for the two rose trees and have two miniature roses on their way to be put in the existing pots.  I planted some strawberry plants for Gloria, and I have a lovely purple daisy and a lavender plant to transplant.  Goodness knows it will keep me busy!

For tonight, however I think I will relax.